| | I’m Scared
I had breakfast with Bobby last week. I was talking about how I was doing here. I was all over the place. But generally I was like, what I am I doing here? Should I go get my MBA? Should I go get my MFA in creative writing? Do I have to be a pastor? Could I just get a normal job? So having some vocational questions.
But I kept talking and what I got to was, “Is this real?” Is Jesus really who he says he is? Is God really good? There are some significant doubts in my heart. They have always been there I think, but at times of deeper intimacy with God it is easier to be more confident in the veracity of who He says he is. I do know this, IF God is who he says he is, then the career I am considering is a great one to pursue. But one of my core fears, that I need to be healed of is what if God is not who he says he is?
Then I should try and get as much money as possible, as much power and influence as possible, use as many people as needed to get what I want, and as much stuff as possible for the 70 years on this earth. If He is not, then I am a fool to try and live the life I am living and to try and do the job I am trying to do. The words of Paul were comforting to me this morning. In 1 Corinthians 15 Paul says it is all about the resurrection. If is THE event that gives us hope if it is true, and if it is not should cause us to be greatly pitied. So I don’t know a lot of apologetic about the resurrection and it is not a part of my day to day relationship with Jesus. But I feel like it is something that I need to explore in my prayer life and practically apply the theology of it to various categories of my life. How does the fact that God raised Jesus and others from the dead inform my experience of day to day life.
Some day I want to not have doubts. I want to be free from sin and temptation. I want to love my family well. I want to love Jesus.
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| | Posted 8/18/2004 7:26 AM - 45 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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